I Still Miss You Sometimes
A few weeks ago I was reading an article online. It was just a gossip, movie related article but after I finished reading it I immediately had this urge to text my friend Kevin to tell him about this article and about the Hollywood gossip I had gleaned from it.
And then I had to stop myself because I realized that I no longer speak to Kevin. In fact, it has been about seven years since I had last spoken to him and that last conversation we had was not very nice. In fact, if I remember correctly, it was a pretty nasty conversation when Kevin basically told me to go fuck myself because I hadn't responded quickly enough to his text message in which he had stated he
"wished he had cancer".
At that point, I had been friend's with Kevin for a number of years, and while most of the time our friendship was on an even keel, and I genuinely enjoyed his company, these temper tantrums were not something new. It was something that occasionally would pop up and make me feel absolutely terrible and apologetic and emotional. That night, however, I decided that I was done and told him as much.
To this day, I don't know how Kevin is doing, where he's living. I don't know if he's found some happiness in his life (I do truly hope so) or if he is still miserable. I just know that whatever Kevin needed in his life I could not give to him, and I just could deal with his negativity anymore.
I don't regret my decision to end my friendship with Kevin. At the time I was not doing well mentally either, and we weren't doing any favors for one another. In fact, I truly believe that I was hurting myself by continuing to befriend Kevin. However, I do regret that it ended on such lousy terms and that we are not in any contact anymore.
I miss our friendship. I miss that he knew that I had a crush on Hugh Grant and Bono and any time one of us would hear sometime about either one of those celebrities we could text each other. I miss not having him in my life to complain about Donald Trump because I just know that this presidency is killing him. I miss trading books and striving to read smarter because I want to keep up with him.
Toxic friendships are probably the hardest friendships you will ever have to get over. You know that you'll never get back in touch with them, or have some over emotional forgiveness scene where you will stay up until dawn rehashing all the hurt and pain you caused one another. You know this because it's not healthy for you to have those scenes. It is not healthy to get back in contact with them, even when you are really tempted to.
As I was writing this blog, I found myself googling my old friend, and I came across his phone number. I even plugged it into my phone with a message of asking if this was the same person, but I did not hit send. I just don't know if I want to open up those old wounds and at the same time, I'm just tipsy enough to take that plunge. To find out how he is doing and if he is okay. I know this is a bad idea. I know that I should let things go and remind myself that I am a better person now that I don't have this toxic friendship in my life. But I'm curious. I want to hope that he is okay and happy and I want to hope that if I do send him a message, I won't be too disappointed if he ignores me.